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..... [28 Jan 2004|03:01am]
I'm in love with her I'm not gonna front anymore... I miss her... I need her... I miss her hugging me and her soft lips when they would kiss me... I miss how calm I would feel when she was next to me ... god thats one the reasons I hate myself... I let such a great girl go ... and I'm so jealous ... my heart breaks for that girl... Damn... I NEED HER... I WANT HER!... Fuck Juliet... Why do I fuck up so much...






I Love You Christina... Damn I'm sorry I let you go...
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[22 Jan 2004|04:47pm]
[ mood | indifferent ]

I changed my journal again... It got to a point where everyone was lookin at my journal and taking it as a joke... and ceritian people were reading it and I didn't want them to... so if u have LJ u'll see my new user name there and if not... just tell me and if ur not one of those people I hate I'll tell u it... :-)

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O.o...5o /\/aiv3...o.O [22 Jan 2004|03:41pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]

I was naive, your love was like candy
Artificially sweet, I was deceived by the wrapping,
Got caught in your web and I learned how to bleed
I was prey in your bed and devoured completely

And it hurts my soul
Cause I can't let go
All these walls are caving' in
I can't stop my sufferin'
I hate to show I've lost control
cause I keep goin' right back to the one thing
That I need to walk away from

I need to get away from ya ,
to walk away from ya
Get away, walk away, walk away

I should have known that I was used for amusement
Couldn't see through the smoke,
it was all an illusion
Now I've been lickin' my wounds
But the venom seeps deeper
We both can seduce
But darlin' you hold me prisoner

Oh I'm about to break
I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure,
and I'm fiendin' for a cure
Every step I take leads to one mistake,
I keep goin' right back to the one thing
That I need to walk away from
I'm about to break and can't stop this ache,
getting nothing in return
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
And everywhere I turn
I keep goin' right back to the one thing that I need
To walk away from

Every time I try to grasp for air,
I am smothered in despair
It's never over, over
Seems I'll never wake from this nightmare
I let out a silent prayer
Let it be over, over

Inside I'm screaming
Begging, pleading no more

Now what to do my heart has been bruised,
So sad but it's true
Each beat reminds me of you

It hurts my soul cause I can't let go
All these walls are cavin' in
I can't stop my sufferin'
I hate to show that I lost control
Cause I keep goin' right back to the one thing that I need, oh
I'm about to break
and I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure
And I'm fiending for a cure
Every step I take leads to one mistake,
I keep going right back to the one thing that I need, oh
I can't mend, this torn state I'm in
Getting nothing in return, what did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back to the one thing that I need
To walk away from

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You All Thought You Knew [22 Jan 2004|04:33am]
[ mood | gloomy ]

You all thought you knew me
But there was so much I didn't tell or show.
You all thought you knew me
But, yet, I kept so much from you.
You all thought you knew me
But I always stayed away from you.
You all thought you knew me
So you told everyone about me.
You all thought you knew me
But, yet, everyone hated me.
You all thought you knew me
I told you I was going to leave for good. You all thought you knew me
But you didn't believe me.
You all thought you knew me
So I grabbed the knife.
You all thought you knew me
I sliced my own skin.
You all thought you knew me
I watched the crimson liquid hit the floor.
You all thought you knew me
I had one tear to shed.

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FUCK YOU! [22 Jan 2004|01:50am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Today was such a good day ... why is it that when I get home and sit down I have people e-mailing me with bullshit about someone... I'm panicking... i can't stay still... I'm so mad ... and I can't cut myself ... omg ... fucking shit ... fuck everyone ... and fuck you ... you fucking idiotic selfish self-centered egotistical back stabbing son of a fucking bitch...

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P . I . C . T. U . R . E . S [21 Jan 2004|02:50pm]
[ mood | calm ]

I was bored so I decide to post some pictures... here day are :-D




My Boobie... He will always be in my heart 4ever and ever...



My Three Girls... I'll always be there for my three sexy bitches... :-D



My Son... isn't he adorable!!



Me Holdin up "Beez"... I think I'ma get shot for that one :-)



Me Like 4 Years back... lools... whoa... I'm UgLy!



My Baby.... He has that morbid look in his face just like his mama!... :-)... Thats my boi!...

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.../-/oY... [21 Jan 2004|12:00am]
[ mood | mischievous ]

I'm a little down ... but today was fun... I worked today and it wasn't so bad... I mean it sucked but I didn't really let it get to me... Miriam was proud of me today because I did the Cookie that we sell differently and how they tell us too and the cookies came out perfectly round and looked beautiful ... and through owner of the store was there and he told Miriam that I'm smart and all that crap ... and he kept talking to me and told me that I'm a good worker and he kept playing around with me and stuff... I guess thats a good thing... Then after that I went to school and it was gangster as hell because Me and Marcella have one class together and we were fucking around the whole class... Our teacher was hot so we kept playing around and He was our Sex Education Teacher... (Like the movies) lools... We did half of our work today and we still have so much to do lools... Then after that we went to McDonalds and Fucked around with them for like an hour ... then we went into the bathroom and started taking pictures ... we were in there for like an hour so when we came out Jeffery and Gian Franko were asking us what we were doing because we took so long and me being stupid I told Jeffery that she needed help taking off her thong ... lools... Then I came home and my mom has the new La Mega CD and I heard some songs and I was fucking dying laughing... I've learned some new Curses in Spanish ... lools then chino called and it kinda messed up my day... (a long story )... Then I found a picture of my dad and me when I was small... That depressed me... I just wanna go to sleep and not think about anything till tomorrow...

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.../-\fTer /-\LL... [19 Jan 2004|12:13am]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

Today was a bad day for me... I don't know what to do anymore with CHicho... I mean there is this other guy that I'm fellin right now but I'm never one to breake someone's heart.. It may seem Like I love to do that but I can't do it... I don't like it when they do it to me so why should I do it to someone else... I'm driving myself crazy over this guy... Chino has my heart... I think.... I'm just so lost with evreything... I miss Jonathan, Crie, My family, My father... (I wish he would be a father to me)... I need comfort and I have no where to find it... I just cry all day thinking about this... i need to find my direction but I don't know where to look... but for now I'll just look at my box... with all the happy pictures of me and my family... and look at how great my life was... (God I know that I've stopped believeing in you but please... Help me... I'm really afriad that one day I will not wake up...pls... Help me soo much)


Come notice me
And take my hand
So why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry

Ohhhh

At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

After all...
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..x::Thi5 P/-\in i5 Ju5t T() R3aL::x.. [18 Jan 2004|02:16am]
[ mood | restless ]

Sometimes I can't take myself... usually when I'm disturbed or cutting myself it’s mostly because someone else has made me feel awful... but You know how it is when you come down on yourself... How hard it is to smile... I'm having one of those moments... Sometimes I hate acting dull... No one truly knows how I can be or how I am... Everyone thinks I'm slow and dense... that everything is a game to me... I shouldn't have to act like that just to try and fit in... But then again if I show people the intense intellectual side of me... I'm still strange... I want to stop how I'm acting and the things that I do... I'm in pain... One thing I do the most is that I hate to see anyone sad because of me or anything... so I let them do whatever or I give them whatever they want... even if it hurts/bothers me... and that happened today like always... I’ll admit to you... I love passionate love making... but with chino he’s always touching me and always wants to "fuck" I'm not that type of person... Today we "fucked" 5 times... and after the first one I was in so much pain... I need to become a bitch again... I hate having a heart... I hate the fact that my heart isn't made of Ice or Stone... and the blood does run through my veins... filled with love and compassion for the people in my life other then hate... Fuck I Hate THIS!

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\^/ith ()ne |_ast |3reath !'ll /-\polozie |=or |3leeding ()n YouR 5hirt [16 Jan 2004|02:08pm]
[ mood | happy ]

I'm sorry for living
I'm sorry for caring
I'm sorry for giving myself to you
I'm sorry for losing myself to you
I'm sorry that i lied
I'm sorry i told the truth
I'm sorry i want to love you
I'm sorry i cant trust you
I'm sorry i thought you cared
I'm sorry i thought you loved me
I'm sorry i thought you were there
I'm sorry i hate you
I'm sorry i don't want to see your face
I'm sorry i cant take it anymore
I'm sorry i don't know how to act
I'm sorry i bleed
I'm sorry that i feel
I'm sorry that you affect me
I'm sorry that I'm still here
I'm sorry I'm not dead
I'm sorry i hate myself
I'm sorry that i believed you
I'm sorry i trusted you
I'm sorry that i lost myself
I'm sorry I'm giving up
I'm sorry most of all
that i took my first breath
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.../-/arder T() |3reath... [16 Jan 2004|01:48pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

someone special once dedicated this song to me... and now I'm dedicating it to someone else... when the time comes for me to break his heart and when it comes time for me to punch him in the face three times and pull his hair twice in front of madd ppl and embarrass him... thats when I will have my life bck...

How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable
So condescending unnecessarily critical
I have the tendency of getting very physical
So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle

You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here
This Double Vision I was seeing is finally clear
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone
Not fit to funkin' tread the ground I'm walking on

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head
You should know better you never listened to a word I said
Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat
Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did

Does it kill
Does it burn
Is it painful to learn
That it's me that has all the control

Does it thrill
Does it sting
When you feel what I bring
And you wish that you had me to hold
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[ |3.a.d |3.o.!.z ] [16 Jan 2004|04:26am]
[ mood | confused ]

its times like these when you don't realize what you have until u lose it or ya can't have it ... things with chino aren't working out... I've been talking to this guy that I work with ... not like that though ... well w.e. he's always caring about me and when I cut up my face and everything he looked for ma and stayed in my house until chino came ... he cheered me up and everything and when chino came over and we came upstairs and he tried to fuck me ... thats it... i feel horrible ... my own man doesn't even say sweet things to me ... look at what Carlos (the guy i work with) told me... " ur the type of candy that wen u take too much u get a tooth ache but u still be eating everyone till u got none left the only difference there's no pain with you" ... he tried cutting himself just because we have a promise that if i cut myself he does it and he does i do it... I'm lost ... why cant I ever get with a nice guy... I always go after the bad ones....

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[c.r.I.m.s.0.n t.3.a.r.s O.F. p.a.i.n] [14 Jan 2004|03:54pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Well, it happened... I sliced my face and both my hands ... my hands are still bleeding and this happened yesterday ... my face is stall bleeding and I have a huge bandage on that and I have tons of gauze and ace-bands on my hands... I went psychotic... I don't know what to do ... all I think about is suicide and death.... God send me some answers...

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...|=uc|< |_o\/3... [13 Jan 2004|12:34am]
[ mood | numb ]

... I've made up my mind to just be single... I hate relationships... I miss Jonathan so much it really hurts... I miss crie ... shes still my babi gurl ... and I'm starting to hate chino ... today is our one month anni ... and it went well at first ... but then shit got ugly ... well its been ugly for like 3 days now... I worked with him overnight and he made me feel worthless and stupid ... and I've been asking myself why... I've given him all he's ever wanted... I've done things with him that I haven't with Jonathan ... and Jon was my babi ... but this is how today went ugly ... we were downstairs and I wanted to talk to him about something bad thats happening to me... I've been feeling sick ... and I hope its not that I'm pregnant ... and when i told him that he got really quiet ... and then i kept on persuading him to tell me what's wrong and he then told me ... he lives with his ex gurls family ... and he ex gurl is pregnant with his kid ... he's been knowing about this for 3 days now and he didn't tell me till today... so i carved F.L. Into my arm... It stands for Fuck Love, Fuck Life, Fuck Living... I wanna continue to cut myself ... and I'm going to ... but at the same time I know its bad for me... I know IM hurting more then just myself... I need so much help ... and I have no one...

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...a...Bitt3r...vIcTim... [12 Jan 2004|09:17pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

my life is nothing but a lie to me now... i wasn't meant to love... i wasn't meant to feel... i was brought into this life to be the little girl in the corner to point fingers at and the little girl to blame... but where do I stand now... no where... im so lost I don't even know what to write... i have no reason to live... im not a good person... im an awful maligint creature... im not even human... im some stupid whore... I'm lost...I'm a bitter victim consumed with a plague of thoughts.

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[b . o . r . e . d] [10 Jan 2004|02:11pm]
 Congradulations! you&apos;re a Complete Psycho!
'Complete Psycho'


What Type of Lunatic are You? (With Cool Pics!!)
brought to you by Quizilla
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[...s i c k 3 n d ... t h o u g h t s...] [10 Jan 2004|01:50pm]
[ mood | blank ]

shit's been hard lately.... I haven't thought about suicide and self injury so much before... I've been a slave to my bed for about a week... I haven't even worked... This is the first day I'm up and dressed in regular clothes ... and ready to work... I've been this whole week in bed with nothing on ... no music, no movies, no TV, hardly any computer, no books, nothing... I haven't even had my cat frankie in the room... I've had my mom and sister take care of him this week... I've just stayed there motionless in my bed... Its kinda disgusting but I didn't even get up to take a shower for two days... I barely got up to use the bathroom ... nothing... chino has come to vist me and all he does is look at me and try to cheer me up... but nothing... he even took me out to get my hair and nails done... he took me shopping... everything... but i just came home and went back into my bed... Jonathan and crie have been mostly on my mind... Jonathan because our 1 year anniversary would've been last Thursday and I really miss him so much... Crie and chino made me realize just how much I loved him and how its true what they say..."You never know what you've got till they're gone... I've been calling him like all week crying telling him how much I miss him and how sorry I am... Now the crie thing has my head messed up... I can truly say that that "I hate everything about you" song is my song to her... I love her but the shit she does fucks me up...!... She was my first girlfriend ... and I. Loved her with all my heart ... but I lost love for her ... and I would try to get back with her but I think I'd just be lying to her and myself... I feel isolate from that house now... No one talks to me from there anymore and I don't go over n e more... Its way different now... But I have to go over there one of these weekends because I'm going away... I have to put myself into a home... I can't be home n e more You wanna know why... OK... Yesterday I got my check ... and I brought some stuff ... now tell me what you think I'm do with all of this... An Extension cord, 3 boxes of blade, Super Glue, Rope, Handcuffs, and 6 bottles of Advils... hummm. ... makes ya think...I even fucking carved Christina into my fucking inner thigh!... I need help ... and I don't know how to go along with it...

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L.i.v.i.n.g - t.o - d.i.E [08 Jan 2004|03:32pm]
[ mood | confused ]

You know, I wonder if they'll laugh when I am dead
Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to fight
Why am I trying to see, when there aint nothing in sight
Why I am I trying to give, when no one gives me a try
Why am I dying to live, if I'm just living to die

Check it, I grew up a fuckin screw up
Got introduced to the game, got a ounce and fuckin blew up
Choppin rocks overnight
The nigga Biggie Smalls tryin ta turn into the black Frank White
We had to grow dreads to change our description
Two cops is on the milk box missin
Show they toes you know they got stepped on
A fist full of bullets a chest full of Teflon
Run from the police picture that, nigga I'm too fat
I fuck around and catch a asthma attack
That's why I bust back, it don't phase me
When he drop, take his glock, and I'm Swayze
Summer break, my escape, sold the glock, bought some weight
Laid back, I got some money to make, motherfucker

And still I'm havin memories of high speeds, when the cops crashed
As I laugh pushin the gas when my glocks blast
We was young, and we was dumb but we had heart
In the dark when we survived through the bad parts
Many dreams is what I had, and many wishes
No hesitation in extermination of these snitches
And these bitches they still continue to per sue me
A couple of movies now the whole world tryin to screw me
even the cops tried to sue me
So what can I do but stay true, sippin 22's a brewin
now the medias tryin to test me got the press askin questions, tryin to stress me
misery is all I see, thats my mind's state
My history with the police is shakin' the crime rate
Ma main man had 2 stikes, slipped, got arrested and flipped
He screamed 'Thug Life!' and emptied a clip
gots tired of runnin from the motherfuckin police
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